Infant loss

Engage Life

In honor of Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I am posting a blog that I wrote just two days after burying my second daughter, Madison. It was never published so I thought this month would be a perfect time to do this. I pray as we engage life through God's peace that we are able to truly live to be all He created us to be!


Engage Life so that you don’t give up on it (John 10:10)

This is what I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart as I listened to my pastor, Chris Hodges, dissect what it means to have a meaningful relationship with the Holy Spirit. As a part of his second point, he explained how the Holy Spirit speaks most often in settings such as the one we were in. He mentioned that if we paid attention we would hear the Holy Spirit speak even while he completed the message. I have experienced this a number of times but today I was desperate to hear a special word from the Holy Spirit.

You see, just two days ago my husband and I buried our second daughter in a thirteen month time period. My life feels empty and confusing as I try to understand why God has allowed this to happen yet a second time. I don’t get it, but the only thing I do get is that God is the only one who does. Although the tragic events my family and I have had to experience over the past two weeks seem completely anti-God, I have a peace that He still has us. In my natural mind, I raise questions like:

·         Why are we going through this yet another time?

·         Did we disobey you in some way to deserve this?

·         Why don’t my daughters deserve to live?

·         Will I ever have a pregnancy where my baby live and I get the opportunity to raise them?

And they continue…..                                      

With these questions,however, I’ve found peace in knowing a few things:

·         God has not forgotten me. He is still on my side

·         He can take my questions and is close to the broken hearted. As I lean into Him, He leans into me and I gain further peace

·         He has not forsaken me. Even though I don’t understand and may never understand why this keeps happening, I do know that God is good and my joy is founded on this fact. And this joy is my strength

See, what I feel naturally is the temptation to give up. I want to give up on having children, give up on fulfilling my purpose, give up on growing in Christ. I simply don’t want to keep trying because as hard as I tried with the second pregnancy naturally and spiritually to be on point it still wasn’t enough. 

But Jesus said, " Peace I leave with you” and thus I feel God pursuing me with His peace.. Peace that sometimes I don't even want. Sometimes I detest it. You see, naturally it feels that if I accept this peace, I am accepting that what has happened to me is ok or that I’m ok with not having the questions I have answered..and I’m not. I’ve spent a few days rejecting this peace but I have finally decided to accept it because what I know is that this is a peace I have experienced before and in accepting it I find safety and direction.

You see,this same peace is what caused me to attend a university that I never wanted to go to only because I felt this peace. This same peace prompted me to fearlessly transition from full time to part time in my position as a Physical therapist Assistant only to voluntarily run my nonprofit with no idea where income would come from. This same peace caused me to take a leap of faith and try to get pregnant again after losing a daughter at twenty weeks gestation just last year.

See, the peace I feel God offering is familiar. I don’t want it sometimes because the natural side of me wants answers yet my spirit yearns for it and I feel strengthened as I take baby steps towards it.

So, for these reasons I choose peace. Although I’m not sure how I will make it pass today. I choose to walk in peace and obey what I heard the Holy Spirit say during church. I choose to engage life so that I don’t give up on it. Jesus came to give life and the enemy came to take it. Regardless of the questions that continue to scroll through my mind, I choose to engage life. I choose to go harder after my purpose and receive the gift of peace that God has given me. My oldest daughter’s name was Niya which means “purpose” and my second daughter’s name was Madison which means “gift from God”. So, I choose to live for the purpose God has given me but this can only be done by accepting the peace He is offering me.

I encourage you to do the same. No matter what life is bringing your way. CHOOSE to engage life. Go after what God has put in your heart. If it doesn’t work out the way you think it should, allow God’s peace to direct you onto a new path. But please, never give up!  God will carry you if you let Him!, but

“God’s grace is sufficient to carry you through”.

I would love to hear how you God’s peace is carrying you! Please comment below!